Skeletons, fears and moving past

 Everyone has skeletons in their closet. Things we don't want others to know about us, things that won't make our status on Facebook, things that bring out the unyou in you... Mine have been on my mind lately, and I've decided enough is enough! Time to let the skeletons out and move past my fears!

I suffer from severe anxiety attacks. It seems my body makes more serotonin then is required and where most people can turn off their worries, I am engulfed in mine.

To understand how this condition and I became acquainted you would have to know about what I don't talk about. It's time to talk...

I was married before to a man that abused me in every way possible. I made excuses and refused to consider myself a victim, after all a victim blamed themselves and I never did, I knew it was him! I suffered for 11 years quietly and kept my family in the dark. I can honestly say that their was only one friend who had even an idea of what was going on and even she, didn't know it all.
I had thought that I was doing a good job of protecting my kids from what was happening but, most 9 year olds don't catch their mom hiding money in their room. My final straw was the day my daughter caught a backhand meant for me. So I started my plan to get out...shortly after I found out I was pregnant with twins. By the time I was 3 months pregnant one of the twins had miscarried and I was left feeling that I was the cause...if only I had left already... finally, in August, after much secret planning, I watched my husband go to work at 6am and 2 minutes later, my Mom rounded the corner with a truck.  I woke my kids up and told them they were spending the day at my friends house. My Mom, Sister-in-law and I packed up the entire house and had almost everything out by 2pm. Strange but, I remember being more scared at that moment then I had the entire relationship. I also felt like an awful mother as I knew my kids had no idea that they were moving and would not get to say good bye to their friends.
What followed was a time of nightmares that included kidnapping, break-ins, police calls, restraining orders and 2 hospital stays for me do to physical abuse. I learned through this that, our court system is a joke and that anyone can lie in court and a judge will look at you like you are crazy for petitioning to have a restraining order.
In December 2006 I gave birth to my son with my Mom by my side. I had feelings of such mixed emotions, I loved my lil guy but, felt I had already handed him an extremely hard start to life. If I went by statistics, I would have given up on him on day 1 because according to them, he was bound for prison...as a mom I was heartbroken and full of guilt and positive that I didn't deserve any of my kids after all, it was my job to keep them safe and I was failing miserably!
In Febuary of 2007 a judge finally granted me a 2 year restraining order and for the first time in a long time, I felt a glimmer of hope.
Around my Birthday I made myself a Myspace page (don't laugh) and started finding old friends and started making some new ones...enter James.
James and I started sending each other messages, then exchanged phone numbers and spent hours texting each other. On April 11 I took a 45 minute drive to Vermillion and we met face to face for the first time. James met me at the door and gave me a hug. It's hard to describe but, that hug was the safest I had ever felt, like my subconscious knew, in these arms I would not be harmed.
I started making weekly drives to Vermillion and my friendship with James started to become a priority in my life. With him, everything was easy, and the patience he had for me, was unreal. We could talk for hours and without meeting the kids he already knew them. In September 2007 I introduced the kids to James for the first time. Although, I'm pretty sure the kids thought they were meeting Smokey (James dog) and that James was just along!
My friendship with James continued to grow and during Christmas break we decided that what we had was a lot more then frienship and began looking for a place for us.
We moved in together on my birthday Feb 16th 2008. It may seem fast but, we were married October 17th 2008.
On October 22, 2008 my Dad died. Some background on my Dad... my Dad told me he loved me for the first time in 15 years on my wedding day. My Dad and my relationship had been torn for years and James was the glue that brought us back together.
My Dads death had an awful effect on me and all the bottled up fears I had were thrown to the fore front of my mind and I was unable to escape them. I was convinced my ex was going to come and steal the kids and that if any of my family left the safety of our home, they could die.
For a year I trapped my family in our home, my kids and husband went nowhere that they didn't have to, we did not go anywhere unless their was no way around it. My poor kids didn't play at friends houses and James made so many excuses as to why we wouldn't be making it, it was ridiculous! I had convinced myself that, should I try and be happy, something bad would happen...my faith was thin and fragile...and the only strength that I could draw off of was James', he had enough faith for both of us and helped redevelop mine.
I spent the last 2 years on medication and the feeling of inability to deal with myself...I tried counseling and James came with for support. What I learned - I have the ability, I always have and if I have to tell myself that, it's ok. One therapy session, thats it and the therapist knew I had the power to take myself back from where I was.
It was a slow beginning and James became my outer conscious...I would worry, tell him I was being silly and thinking too much and he would agree, and that made things ok.
I've been off medication for 2 months now and don't see myself as going back. We are moving forward!
My family is beginning a new chapter and soon James and I will be in court having my ex's rights taken away so he can adopt the kids...this terrifies me because it brings me back to a place of vulnerability and my brain comes up with everything that could go wrong. I'm choosing to face those fears and the demons that go along with my ex, he has no control, this is all about what's right, what the kids want and our right to happiness!
Facing your fears I've learned isn't the hardest part, it's moving past them, and I am!

My Introduction to you...

As a brand new blogger and virgin to the blogging world, this should be interesting! I am a 33 year old mother of 4, wife, daughter, sister, auntie, advisor, friend, therapist, student, step mother, chef, taxi driver and child of God. Not always at once or in that order but, I'm usually one of those at least once a day.  I consider myself to be open minded and extremely opinionated (yes, both). lol I have strong family convictions and realize more and more that I have no such thing as a parenting style. More, I have techniques and skills I attempt to utilize per child...how could I possibly have a style when the 6 children in my life need so many different things. 6? Yes 6, while I only have 4 natural children I also have one step child and one niece that I have been blessed to be a part of her daily life. All six require completely different things and if I stuck to one "style" none of their needs would be met. More importantly, they would loose some of the things that make them, their own unique little creature.
It is my intent to use my new blog as a written reality of my family, what works for us, what doesn't, what we've learned, how chaos is a form of function...all from my perspective!